MEN IN THE BIBLE I WOULD KISS

Two years ago, a group of friends and I had a Powerpoint night and this is what I chose to present.

I reposted it to my Instagram story and an overwhelming amount of h*rny people asked me to email them the link, so I decided, you know what? Why not give the people what they want and just share it here?

Obviously, this is very niche. There is an amount of Erica lore that you will need to catch up on for this to be funny, but I will try my best to make it feel like we’re real life besties. Grab a glass of wine, take a seat on your living room couch, and just imagine me delivering this presentation with the same conviction as Scandal's Olivia Pope answering questions in the White House Press Room.

If you know me personally, you know that I love men who have been to jail, men who have seen tragedy, and men who love justice. Joseph is that guy. The Bible’s first hottie, if you will.1

His lore: He was introduced to us in Genesis as a dreamer. A man who envisioned his success and spoke about it openly to his hater brothers.2 They were so annoyed and jealous of him that they sold him into slavery.

He later became what I am calling… a butler to a bored housewife who’s name we still don’t know BTW. Said bored housewife made multiple passes at Joseph. He turned her down, and due to her embarrassment, she accused him of rape to her very powerful husband named Potiphar. Because of this, Joseph was falsely imprisoned for many years.

Throughout his time in jail, Joseph chose to maintain his integrity and honor God. He shared his gift of dream interpretation with his cellmates, and it later rewarded him a seat second-in-command to the king of Egypt. If you know the story, then you know what happens next. He basically saves the world, so… duh, I would make out with him.

Joshua is introduced to us in Exodus as Moses’ assistant. Moses doesn’t tell us too much of Joshua’s backstory, so I imagine him as a man with quiet confidence and BDE. Definitely in the cut. An observer. Showing up as needed and showing up powerfully. I like that he’s maybe kind of serious… like when he moves, he’s intentional about it.

His lore: Obviously had a very cool job. I mean, first, you’re Moses’ assistant, then you’re leading people through the Jordan River, breaking down the walls of Jericho, making the sun stand still, and torching towns along the way just to get into the Promised Land. It’s kind of a lot carry. Like I’d want to massage his shoulders while listening to him talk about which scene of Game of Thrones he had to live out that day. Maybe even, you know, imagine myself being Mrs. Promised Land. I don’t know though… it’s a lot being First Lady. What if he gets war PTSD and I wake up in a headlock? Or worse?

I’d 100% love to hear his stories though – I know he had SO MUCH TEA. I feel like he’d only tell me the juicy ones over drinks though (the one place he can relax and just be Joshua) and I’d get turned into a pillar of salt for repeating them to my girlfriends.3 But you win some, you lose some. Definitely not going out without a kiss from this short king.4

Imagine me at 16. These are the boys in my youth group that my pastors like… give me the side-eye for thinking they're hot, BUT THEY ARE. They’re not so much bad boys as they are black sheep. Like so mysterious. Naturally cool. Misunderstood. Maybe a little troubled. But like… nothing I can’t fix! That always works out, right?5

These types of men are genuinely good people. They want to do good, but usually in their own time. They are very kind, but only to a select few. And by that, I mean if I ask them not to vape around me, they won’t. But they’ll definitely leave y’all in a cloud of blueberry mango.

Gideon/Jonah types show up as their whole self to things they find purposeful and valuable. And they’ll show up passionately. Will even become the leader! But if they don’t see the point or can’t see it through, count them out. But also, count God in to interfere with nature to accomplish his plans through them. 100% on their own journey.

When these little rebels are finally settled within themselves, this is who I live out my cool girl Zoe Kravitz/Channing Tatum fantasy with. And we’ll seal it with kiss in the back of the church auditorium.

Okay, so I feel like the majority of the Old Testament is David? Like I lowkey feel like he got more attention than God.

His lore: David grew up a shepherd, so he has this country boy charm about him. He was a hard worker from a young age and 100% had the callouses on his hands to prove it. Couldn’t be anything but brave while he was working his dad’s land, fighting off bears and lions. Had an incredible legacy – even you’ve heard that he killed an atheist giant who’s peepee had a hood on it.6 With a rock at that. At like 12 years old! David has a very interesting, very entertaining and enlightening life that you should really read when you get the chance (1 Samuel 16-1 Kings 2.)

Long story short, he was pulled out of the pasture to be a king. The road to get there was far from easy and the road itself was rough, but rewarding. The entire book of Psalms is basically his diary logging the process before, during and after his rise to power and fame. He was an incredible warrior and outwardly loved God. He was fine, too. Women flocked to him. Men wanted to be him. Think Drake, but not smart enough to put hot sauce in the… you know what, let me stay focused.

David was the boy until he got too comfortable. Took slacking off at work to a whole new level one day. He was on his roof, checking the scenery out, and “somehow” ended up in bed with a married woman, got her pregnant, and then killed her husband. Mess. This is the kind of guy I'd normally avoid at all costs, but like literally kissing him because everyone else has (in his peak) and no one said anything.

This is messy, but Solomon is David’s son that he had with that married lady. The Bible doesn’t mention that he was hot, but it does mention that he was the wisest man who ever lived. And from that, I can gather that he was also the funniest.

I know that Solomon would have me laughing so hard and even if he wasn’t funny, I’d still be laughing because that man was RICH. I’m talking opulent wealth that even the 1% will never see. The PG-13 version of what I was going to say is that I would trap Solomon.

He had too many women in his house for me to allow him to touch me, so I would simply let the Holy Spirit get me pregnant with his baby like Mary. He’d obviously give me a wing in his main house and I’d spend my days doing Chanel hauls on TikTok. Still running For Happiness and Sorrows of course because content. In my free time, I’d take the baby on strolls throughout our gardens and let her pet our giraffes, squeal at our flamingoes and pick leaves off bushes.

I swear nothing on earth is a bigger turn on than a man who’s gotta clock in at 5am. Nehemiah basically ran God’s construction company.

I literally can’t even remember his story in The Bible, so please do your own research or ask your respective Sunday School teachers. Just babbling ATP, but I do remember that he was a shot caller and was absolutely not here for the BS.

I like Nehemiah because I can count on him to not get on my nerves. Like he’s literally working.7 He’ll send a text throughout the day to check in and stuff, but like…he has a job. I don’t see him being that much into pop culture or fashion. Like he definitely gets his jeans from Costco, but that’s fine because he can put that money towards a nice date for us at a steakhouse. Nehemiah is who I want to kiss my hand as we’re cruising down the interstate in his King Ranch truck listening to Morgan Wallen.

Daniel is the real deal. Like this is the type of guy that you’re like wait… I need to level up and get my sh*t together. He’s a leader, faithful, secure, and approachably hot (think straight Fai Khadra, not PEOPLE’s 2024 Sexiest Man Alive, Jacob Elordi.) I’m looking at rings the day after I meet him.

His lore: Where do I even start? Steady under pressure. I don’t know, there is just something so hot about someone who gets thrown into fire and doesn’t get burned. Or tossed into a lions’ den and they bow at his feet.

A little backstory: Daniel’s home country was in disarray. He and his buddies were exiled to a city called Babylon that was really different from his native culture, especially when it came to faith. Despite the death threats and pressure to conform to Babylonian statutes, Daniel remained true his values. Prayer was essential to his daily routine – daddy wasn't filming GRWMs! He was on his face interceding. Damn this sassy man apocalypse! This practice sharpened his gift of dream interpretation and later won him favor and a seat at the table among the “it” crowd (royals) of his new society.

His active faith caused the people around him to believe in God and it lowkey changed the course of history. And for that, he gets a kiss from me and my Final Rose.

Literally just there. He’s hot. He’s honestly like… probably dumb. Always a good time though. Always see him out. Great vibe. Don’t really like him or see a future with him, but like definitely fun for a NCMO.

His lore: One of the mighty men in David’s army. Basically a legendary war hero for taking down a pack of guys by himself. Again…hot.

Last, but certainly not least, is sweet baby boy Jonathan. He’s just sooo sweet!!! And he had quite the glow up recently, and honestly…I’m lookin’. Some of y’all will say I’m messy because Jonathan and David are BFFs, but I can’t help who that man is friends with.

His lore: Jonathan is Saul’s son, the guy who was king before David. What’s tea is that Jonathan was kind of in line to become king, you know, with him being Saul’s son and all, but God picked David. Saul was crazy, insecure and paranoid as hell like Nicki Minaj after hearing Hiss, so God had to replace Saul. David was always in them people’s house for some reason, so I guess over time Jonathan took a liking to David. Jonathan always looked out for David after he realized that his dad wanted to kill him. He was always concerned with God’s best, for the nation and for his friend. Sweetie pie!!!

Among some crowds today, Jonathan faces some... allega(y)tions, which very well could be true, but they don’t stop me from wanting to give him a peck on the cheek.

Footnotes

1. In that he is the first mentioned and the first chased. I love that Moses went out of his way to tell us this in Genesis. Like he didn’t even write this about himself and that’s hilarious to me. ↩︎

2. Those “alpha male” Instagram accounts didn’t exist back then, so Joseph had no concept of moving in silence. ↩︎

3. NDA clause. ↩︎

4. There is no biblical basis for this claim, I just feel it in my gut. ↩︎

5. Ask Megan Fox, she just wrote an entire book about it. ↩︎

6. I simply cannot help what lies in the footnotes of the ESV Study Bible. ↩︎

7. And barely on social media. His last posts are a black square tile from 2020 and a college graduation pic from 2014. ↩︎

Thanks so much for reading! I hope this inspires you to grab a group of friends this week or next to have your own PowerPoint Presentation night with drinks and yummies. Be sure to tag us on Instagram Stories or TikTok so that we can see the mess and really feel included, ya know?

Love, love!

– E