Land of the Free and Home of the Slayed
For Happiness and Sorrows has a hard no politics stance when it comes to our content. However, as founder, I’ve made an exception to my own rule. If I can somehow make the first presidential debate of 2024 about me, I believe we can all turn a blind eye.
Our presidential hopefuls did not leave me very hopeful. I thought, you know what, maybe it’s best I take matters into my own hands. I mean, why not me?
I’m running for president. Maybe not now, but when I turn 35. After all, I’m American born and raised, a business owner, resourceful, well-connected, and highly influential.
Listed below are my potential cabinet, policies, and other small changes I would make to make America more Erica.
Wow, just like that! I have a slogan: Make America More Erica. Nice.
Cabinet
President — Erica McClintock
I’m a Leo Rising (warm, fun, charismatic)
Gets sh*t done/born hustler (Virgo sun)
Years of leadership experience
Nice to look at
First Husband — Hasan Piker
Every queen needs a king
Very intelligent and a nepo-baby
Provider regardless of my job
Has huge platform on Twitch to advance my propaganda
Turkish and I need dual-citizenship (someone confirm he was born there)
Katt Williams — Vice President
Internationally respected
Straight-shooter, no BS
Has everybody’s tea (silent enforcer)
Quiet, but when he speaks, you listen!
Could replace me if assassinated or if I went on maternity leave and never came back
Secretary of State — Andy Cohen
Have you seen these Bravo reunions? A diplomat if I’ve ever seen one
Gets to the bottom of issues
Messy, but solution-oriented
Secretaries of Treasury — Kris Jenner and James St. Patrick
Both get money
Cut-throat/“by any means possible” personalities
Handlers
Secretary of Defense — Riley Green
Fine shyt!!! Perfect military figurehead
Boys who love guns would respect him as a DEI hire
Prospect for a spicy presidential scandal
Attorney General — Phaedra Parks
Experienced lawyer (has many jobs)
Charming and flirty. Would work these men for America’s advantage
Kind of a snake
Secretary of the Interior - SZA
Excellent role model for women who want to work, but not really
Always outside in a bikini anyway
Secretary of Agriculture — Joanna Gaines
Has multiple gardens
Knows stuff about plants and stuff
Would barely have any HR reports against her
Secretary of Commerce — Kylie Jenner
Could brainstorm fun new ideas for a hotter America
Free khy for me and Sprinter for underserved communities
Secretary of Labor — Tyler Cameron
Can build (me) a house
There’s always room on my team for a man who loves R&B and knows what to do with a hammer
Secretaries of Health and Human Services— The Girl JT and Yolanda Hadid
Have you seen Yolanda’s fridge?
JT can’t rap forever
Both know how to say no and put people in their place
Will help us beat America is obese allegations through extreme dieting and Affordable Plastic Surgery Act
Secretary of Homeland Security — The Rock
Look at him. That mf means business
Secretary of Transportation — Druski
After school bus driver energy
Innovative and forward-thinking
Has the connections to get us money for our roads, buses, and trains
Secretary of Education — Reese Witherspoon
Literally has a book club
Nice and unproblematic
Would support the needs and interests of America’s teachers
Secretary of Energy — Bill Nye
Would know what to do
Can speak on a level everyone understands
Good energy
Secretary of Veteran Affairs — Duke Dennis
Monica Lewinski-level scandal
Used to be in the Army
Press Secretary — Hunter Harris
Tapped in/always knows what’s going on
Says everything I want to say exactly in the way I would say it
White House Chief of Staff — Sachin
There to work
Gets the job done
Will keep me in check
White House Head Chef — SAMO
If I said what I wanted to say, y’all would lose respect for me. So I’ll just say DAMN.
Policies
Economy
Legalize Illegal Jobs, i.e. selling party favors. It’s going to happen regardless. Let’s use that tusi money for good.
Raise minimum wage to $20/hr. Most people can’t afford a one-bedroom apt, even here in BFE South Carolina. Liveable wages, coming right up!
Taxes
Increase write offs for the hotties. I gotta look good, so adding girl maintenance to the list @TurboTax.
Healthcare
Unlike most of our presidents, I’ve lived in another country- and had free healthcare. I paid $430/year upfront for NHS fees, but had free doctors’ appointments and emergency room visits. Let’s try that.
Lower the cost of prescriptions, like Adderall, Ozempic, and Zoloft. It’s too expensive to be skinny, happy, and alert. Let’s bring those prices down. Also, we give out free condoms? Let’s give out free tampons and pads, too!
Education
We’ve gone to school for free our whole lives, but you want to charge now for continued education? NOT on my watch. Free public college ‘til it’s backwards. Remove money as a barrier for entry for future public sector careers: teachers, architects, nurses, etc.
Climate Change
I’m pro-electric car and pro-public transportation. If you’ve yet to buy one, our government will give you a $200 credit for an electric car. Or a $2 bus pass since you want to be on the road so bad.
Social Rights/Equality
Let’s bring back God’s idea: free will. What you do or don’t do is no one’s business but yours and God’s.
End the sassy man apocalypse by bringing back the draft.
Ban on 50/50. Any man seen trying to go dutch on a check will earn 30 days prison time for every offense under my regime.
Immigration
If you wanna come, come, but you gotta pay (unless you’re a refugee) and pass a background check from your country of origin.
Gun Control
Require every gun owner to have insurance and pass an annual mental health exam to maintain such paperwork.
Embrace other forms of self-defense, i.e. free martial arts classes and pepper sprays for the girls and gays.
Labor and Employment
4-day work week
Mandatory one week of PTO and off for all major holidays. Everybody’s off-nothing will be open. Plan ahead.
Ban on unemployment and unions. If minimum wage is $20/hr, there’s no reason for you should not have a job. Go clock in.
Other Changes
Change The National Anthem from that lame sh*t to Turn It Up by PinkPantheress.
Ban on seafood boils. Y’all act inhumane the second one is in your face. Why are you table dancing at Juicy Crab? What happened to decorum?
Also, I’ve seen countless Tiktoks of crabs being boiled alive in stovetop jacuzzis of Old Bay. It’s sick! I’m tired of seeing it!
Introducing wing tax. Wings are most popular among all demographics. Do y’all want to be rich or not?
Mandatory gluten-free and vegan menus
Ban on extreme milkshakes. Why is it 3-stories tall, please? Quickly. God is not pleased.
Ban on Crumbl. 800 calories for a cookie is insane work. You’re fattening our people for the slaughter of Big Pharma.
Replace all of the Supreme Court judges with courtshow judges.
Ban on potholes. When I’m driving in my drop top Bugatti, I wanna ride smooth.
Cheers my four years! Let be happy, healthy, and hotter together!