B*tch. I just got paid!

Not really, but this is what I would do if I gambled and really hit it big time, you know?

The current Mega Millions jackpot is $333 million, so we'll just go off of that. I've done my civic duty of paying taxes and I'm going home with a whopping 160.1 million dollars.

Let's assume that I already have a trusted financial advisor who's done what I've paid him to do - plan for my future kids and their kids’ inheritance. Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, let's get to the fun part: spending!

Yay! Okay, so my first order of business is to get on Google and figure out how much money I actually have compared to A-list celebrities.

Huge letdown finding out that I'm not the 30-year-old single black female addicted to retail version of Elon Musk. I'm richer than Donald Glover, but not as rich as Ariana Grande. I'm in the same neighboorhood as Will Ferrell and Cardi B. That works!

Debt

Second thing on the docket: pay off my debt. Amex balances, car payments, and student loans will be things of the past. But trust that baby's still gonna be swiping to maintain my exceptional credit score.

Saving

I'm thinking about how much I can comfortably live on. I mean, I've obviously lived on less, so if you're pocket watchin', I'm gonna save half. So after inheritances, debt, and savings, I'm sitting at around 56 million.

Telling people

Actually still debating this… moving in silence is the opposite of what I normally do. Ugh, I'll have to keep a job. I'll just do this (running For Happiness and Sorrows) and tell everyone it's doing really well. Those Amazon shopping ads, ya know.

Plastic surgery, health and fitness

I have undiagnosed ADHD and blackout after I speak, so I don't really carry shame. I'm getting whatever Madison LeCroy got. I mean, I am getting nipped, tucked and sucked. Nothing to do with my confidence - I know I'm cute. This about becoming even hotter.

I'm getting a therapist. Whoever Judah Smith's therapist is. I want whatever medicine that man is on. Whatever books he's reading and methods he's practicing.

As I said before, this money will probably be a secret, so people will be alarmed when I drop sizes. "She's so skinny," they'll say, "Is she on Ozempic?" No. I'll whisper quietly within. I'm on everything you can think of.

To maintain my body, I will seek guidance from Kourtney Kardashian's nutritionist. I just paid all that money to not have to work out, so you're not catching me at Orange Theory. You can find me taking morning walks down local trails.

I'll probably go to whoever did Hilary Duff's veneers. I've always really liked her smile. I need a sit down personal session with Pat McGrath to plan out my makeup looks. And I'll get my wigs from whoever does Beyonce's wigs.

Shopping

Now that I'm a size 0, the world is truly my oyster. I don't go shopping anymore. My new stylist and friend Law Roach brings me clothes. I could be Schiaparelli, vintage Cavalli down, but the highest on my priority list are two vintage Hermes JPG Clemence Shoulder Birkins - one for show and the other to stunt.

Homes

I'm renovating my ideal main house on Sullivan's Island. I could die there. For fun, I'd buy an apartment in Park Slope and a flat in Belgravia. With my secret wealth and part-time job, I can only refer to these properties as "my family's." For my splurge home, I'd wait until I got married. On God, I would probably live off a backroad on 40 acres in Louisiana, Texas, or Georgia. 30 minutes from New Orleans, Dallas, or Atlanta.

Giving

Not only do I want to, but I must for tax purposes. I remember when my old church would talk about tithing in the event of winning the lottery. I wanted to be like, "babe, if i won the lottery, you b*tches wouldn't see me again in life." Like, I don't know why you think so highly of me that I would give millions of dollars to a megachurch and carry on in silence. I would become your boss.

I would be acting like God presiding over it. Like you think I'm gonna tithe all that and leave? No. I am the pastor now.

Obviously, kidding. 1) Because I don't want that responsibility and 2) because you're not going to catch me on Preacher N Sneakers. I'd be dolled up preaching like a Bravo Housewife and I'm not wasting my time arguing in emails as to why I had on Loewe jeans.

Anyway, I will be giving my money to small church plants across the world in monthly, manageable donations. My money would not scratch the surface of a megachurch's debt and I'm not here to rescue anyone from that.

Working

I do not want to work. I'd write, which is work, but it doesn't feel like it. I honestly might go back to working at Lululemon part-time. That was my favorite job ever and could be a good alibi. I'd grab a 6am Celsius and sausage biscuit from Quiktrip to really blend in with my peers, but turn down post-shift happy hour and say “I don’t have any money.” 😢

Or not. I could totally see myself developing a creative agency with a really cool office space. I'd be an angel investor in the hospitality industry - I'm thinking cafes and bars. Write books. Really do what I love and find some way for my money to make me more money.

Cars

I’m driving my Honda until it's no longer bearable. Then I'd buy electric Mercedes SUVs for my mom, sister and I and a new truck for my dad. Believable luxury. I'd also buy a custom golf cart covered in Swarovski crystals. Can I afford a small yacht???

When I’m done being shy about my money, I’m buying my actual dream cars: A chocolate brown Lamborghini Urus and a hunter green Maybach G-Wagon.

Dating

I still don't want no scrubs. I think I'd place myself in environments that allure single princes and prime ministers. Example A: I'd probably head to the Swiss Alps and go snowboarding with my friend Bronwyn. We'd be there just to take cute pictures in our outfits and ask one of them take our photos. Easy does it. Flirtin' and moving fast - next thing I know I have a huge diamond ring and clearance into the EU for life.

If that doesn't work, I'd get on Raya. Obviously staying far from athletes. If I decide that I really want to be in my @kenzieelizabeth breadwinning housewife energy, I'd settle for a president of a hospital system. Or low hanging fruit like a multi-franchise owner of Chick-fil-a or Zaxby's.

Traveling

Will definitely be taking quarterly vacations. I'm very into the resorts I see on White Lotus, but I’m really into exploring cities. Dream destinations include:

Lisbon, Portugal
Rio de Janiero, Brazil
Seoul, Korea
Tokyo and Osaka, Japan
Sydney and Melbourne, Australia

Other life additions

Not sure where my total stands now, but I will need a personal assistant. I could never hire one of my friends simply because of my desire to be worshipped.

"Anything you say, Miss. McClintock."

"Yes ma'am, right away."

Now that's customer service! He or she will keep me on task day-to-day.

I'm probably going to get a dog to keep me company at home. A cutie Dalmatian or Doberman that'll be trained to not tear my house up.

What else? I'd still go to the same $$$ restaurants on Resy. I think I may join some social clubs... do y'all think I'll get a letter from the Illuminati?

Closing Statements

I think I did good! I have plenty left over for things like concerts, lavish gifts for my friends and family, and maybe even permanent billboard space (intentionally placed on the street Jalen Hurts takes to work everyday, to market my face and body.)

I didn't plan for my retirement or death. My kids will know to take me to the taxidermist. He'll stuff me with goose feathers and dress me head to toe in vintage Dior. I don't want to be buried.

They’ll know to leave me in my office and lay me across my Cloud couch. They love mommy. They'll tuck my Barefoot Dreams blanket in under my sides, but not too tight to where my outfit can't be seen. My Macbook will be in my lap and my eyes open as my lifeless body watches Southern Charm and listens to the crackle of a crisp Diet Coke that my husband has poured over ice.

My kids will stop by any time they want to visit, bickering over the money. Of course I needed drama after my passing, so I put the money in a trust and can only be inherited if they act out the plot of Succession.

Okay, well, that was fun! What do y'all think? How would you spend the money?

I Won The Lottery. Now What?